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Aug. 23rd, 2014

Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom
Hawaiian Bobtail Squid

Life is hilarious

Gay, First gay elected to office, Harvey Milk, San Francisco
Allie's psychiatrist randomly died!!! She was in her 40s and a hottie. I can't imagine what happened to her.
She called her boss in a panic, lol.

"My life is crazy. Where are my socks?!!?"
Allie

Looolllll

Jul. 18th, 2014

Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom
Nate, thank you for Greenday and Nirvana.
Nolan, thanks for Metallica and The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I love you both.

Autobiography

feminist, individual, guerrilla girl, activist fist, Grrrl
As snow fell around two in the morning in Kennewick, Washington I was born. Shortly after my birth my family moved to the armpit of California. Fresno. Once all farmland, now a city has been born and insane hot muggy weather and gang violence permeates the city in the center of the farms. Thankfully, we didn't stay there long. We moved a lot. I've counted over the years how many times exactly. Currently I hold the 24 moves in the my lifetime spot. My parents divorced when I was one years old.

We moved a couple more times in my first four years and ended up in Pacific Grove, California for about six years. When I was four years old myself and many other kids at the daycare I attended were sexually abused for 6 months. I repressed those memories until last year at the age of 22 when I was in group and individual therapy. After that experience I went on to preschool and fell in love with art.

When I was in kindergarten I fell in love with reading and writing. I got in trouble with the principal's office when a girl I met and became best friends with told me about sex and showed me her dad's porno and we then wrote dirty love letters to a kid at school. I have maybe two memories of my Mom before the age of eight, both were from preschool.

My mom was a single mother of three kids for thirty years of her life. When she was thirty years old she went to college to become a registered nurse. When I was eight my Mom was diagnosed with relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis. Because our social security and healthcare systems are broken in this country, it took her three years to gain federal disability benefits. During that time we lived with my Grandma briefly, we moved back when we couldn't stand living with her any longer and my Mom omitted her medical condition to a doctor's office she got hired at. Working exacerbated her condition until she had to tell her employer and they let her go. My brother Nate ran away the year prior to her diagnosis and ended up in jail. He had serious problems with his mood and authority figures. Neither of my brothers knew their dads.

My brother Nolan joined the Air-Force when he was 17 in order to support our family. We moved to Hawaii to live with him for a year while my Mom worked to get on federal disability. I hit puberty while being a relatively pale white girl living on a military base in Hawaii-- that was beyond belief awkward. I got really good grades and they put me in excelled curriculum. Nolan was deployed overseas both Christmases we were there. When I had just turned fourteen my Mom and I moved with my puppy I got while in Hawaii Kalohe (or Chloe) to Oregon where unlike California we could afford to live.

Living in Rainier Oregon was a culture-shock for me. I didn't know hick towns existed because I had been fortunate enough to never live in one before that time. I realized I'm attracted to girls within a few months of living in Oregon. The first girl I became friends with I later on briefly dated. She and I decided to come out to our families at the same time. Both of us faced harassment at the Rainier Jr. High School. We got called dykes a lot by both the popular guys and the unpopular guys, there were only certain groups of people we felt safe in. P.E. class was the worst. We were still just starting puberty in 8th and 9th grade and the last thing we needed was people around us everyday making us feel bad and more self-conscious or wrong about our identities, sexualities and bodies.

I fell into a clinical depression in eighth and ninth grade. It wasn't even just because of the homophobia at all, it was living in that town, the rain which I was not yet used to, deciding there was no god and christianity is a big lie which is being co-opted to facilitate hate throughout the world, as are all religions. I stopped believing in much of anything. I wore only black for two years. I started cutting and burning myself. I told my Mom I needed to go to therapy or I was going to kill myself. I was in therapy for two years in high school.

When I reached sophomore year things changed a lot for me. I fell in love with my first girlfriend, Abby. She and I dated for three years in high school. I also met my best friend right before sophomore year began, Levi. He and I really helped each other find important parts of ourselves. Abby showed me the things I'm truly passionate about such as reading and writing. She and I met on the internet when I was 14 and we talked until I was 18. I met her the summer after I graduated high school. The internet was my lifeline to the real world outside of tiny little Clatskanie and Rainier, Oregon. I started engaging in my schoolwork especially my social studies class. I got good grades and because I got nothing but 'A's in English and was not being challenged I got advanced curriculum in English sophomore and junior years. Junior year I started going to Lower Columbia College in a program called Expanded Opportunities which My mom and I convinced the superintendent to keep one more year so I could use it to go to college while in high school. I got credits for college that counted towards high school at the same time and graduated high school one year early.

I graduated 2008, had an amazing visit with my girlfriend who lived in Missouri, some of the best 10 days of my life. My Mom and I moved to Portland when I got back. I loved Portland. Unfortunately Abby and I broke up in December of the that year. In 2009 I focused on my schoolwork at Portland Community College. In 2010 I moved to California with my Associates Degree, a small pickup truck of stuff and my dog. I moved to Monterey Bay where I lived as a kid to be close to my sister and niece and nephew while I gained residency in California in order to attend UC Berkeley as a transfer student for the remainder of my undergraduate degree. California has been crazy. I don't even want to talk about it yet. I worked for a non-profit for three years and did exceedingly well there, as a manager for the majority of time. A lot of good things happened but more terrible things happened. I met Allie in 2012, my girlfriend now. She and I have been through an incredible amount of adventure and tragedy over the past two years. I have never loved someone as much as I love Allie. This year I graduated from UC Berkeley with a Bachelors in Science majoring in Society and Environment with a concentration in Justice and Sustainability.

Now I work for an organization called Planting Justice out of Oakland, California using permaculture urban agriculture for social change. We work in high schools in food desert parts of Oakland such as East and West, we train inmates in San Quentin State Prison how to be gardeners, landscapers and farmers then we hire them when they're out of prison making a living wage so they don't return to prison through survival crimes in the process growing the police and prisons in our community. We provide economically sliding scale full installations of organic permaculture gardens to different families and institutions across the bay area.

The world doesn't stop having problems once you're a grown up. I wanted that to be so, but it's not. But as you get older you have more power to change the way things are, and that is a beautiful realization and feeling that one can choose to feel every day.

Albums I Want

Lost Unicorn
We Are Born- Sia
A Tear in the Eye is a Wound in the Heart- Black Prairie
Sway- Blue October
The Haunted Man- Bat for Lashes
Painted Hills Self-titled album

What meditation is

Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom
Meditation is in-line with the means and ends of Thompson, Presti, Saron and Sharf because meditation envelopes interdependent experience of impermanence through focusing on the ebb and flow of breath, the changing and trivial state of the body, its feelings, the mind, its thoughts and the lack of self but the composure of parts including mind, body and environment which experience is constantly birthed from.

Word of the day!

Street, Heartbeat, Lennon
con·verse2 [adj. kuhn-vurs, kon-vurs; n. kon-vurs] Show IPA
adjective
1.
opposite or contrary in direction, action, sequence, etc.; turned around.
noun
2.
something opposite or contrary.
3.
Logic.
a.
a proposition obtained from another proposition by conversion.
b.
the relation between two terms, one of which is related to the other in a given manner, as “younger than” to “older than.”
4.
a group of words correlative with a preceding group but having a significant pair of terms interchanged, as “hot in winter but cold in summer” and “cold in winter but hot in summer.”

Allie momallie Bless your soul

Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom
What You Gave Me- Black Prairie
Horchata- Vampire Weekend
You've Changed- Sia
Howlin' For You- The Black Keys
Tomorrow Comes Today- The Gorillaz
I Melt With You- Modern English
Osaka Loop Line- Discovery
Hold Out- Washed Out
6 Underground- Sneaker Pimps
Come Out and Play- The Offspring
Loser- Beck
Sheena is a Punk Rocker- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Lights Out- Santigold
Whatever It Takes- Ron Pope
Dare- The Gorillaz
Blow It Away- Sia
Let Me Know- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Afterlife- Arcade Fire
Fade Into You- Mazzy Star
Going Away to College- Blink 182
When I Come Around- Greenday
Killing in the Name- Rage Against the Machine
Dirty River Stomp- Black Prairie
Til The End of Time- DeVotchKa
There She Goes- The La's
Keep Ya Head Up- Tupac
Love You Madly- Cake
Stolen- Dashboard Confessionals
Porcelain- Moby
How's It Going to Be- Third Eye Blind
Kiss Me Slowly- Parachute

Queer Friends

feminist, individual, guerrilla girl, activist fist, Grrrl
Requiring facing many faces throughout the day, I don't know what people are looking at anymore. I don't feel quite myself and I don't have much care. I feel as if I bounce between caring too much and caring too little. This has been a theme for most of my life. It's so difficult to reconcile feelings of inadequacy which are so real when you are in love and in a committed partnership but you are also an impoverished couple. I wish so badly that things were different and I feel so limited to provide for my family.

I started listening to the new Pandora LGBT comedy station; it's pretty hilarious. I can relate a lot and it helps me feel better as Allie and I lack a gay community. Sigh. There is a theorist we read for Feminist Jurisprudence and she pointed out that the one relationship the state has never regulated is friendship. I said it's an under-
I think a lot of gay people over-sexualize themselves because they feel so surrounded by adversity as minorities and having gay sex is the most accepting and affirming experience for many homos growing up. So when we feel uncomfortable or silenced, it's an instant gratification to feel attractive to another of the same sex or to hit on someone or know you could get a hook up with someone. It's really sad though because when gay communities are filled with sexualized people, insecure with their identities and wanting affirming experiences, these wants can hinder friendships or prevent connections for friendships to other gay people altogether. It's so sad. When we were talking about the theorist who talked about friendship I was in a circle of people, mostly queer, in my class in discussion and we were talking as friends the whole time. I said "friendship is an under-tapped resource" and I looked at Nadege and she held my eye contact strongly. I want gay friends but I don't want them to think I'm trying to get in their pants because I love my girlfriend and only want in her pants. Haha. And I don't want there to be sexual tension. There was never sexual tension with Paige and I after our experimenting, there was sexual tension with Maddy and I once in a while for a short period of time and I haven't had that many lesbian friends since high school. Steph and I never had sexual tension, Eliana and I don't and Dani and I don't either. I'm glad I know Eliana and Dani. <3 They're special little queers to me. I miss Paige. I need to call her.
I miss Zack, too. He said he's sending me a scarf in the mail he's knitting for me. I hope he does! I am so excited. I miss the jokes only we can tell each other and all the history and silliness we share. My gay and ally friends (aka LaKisha and everyone else) made me feel so comfortable. When we would get together in Portland it was as if I was the freest person in the world. I was really myself. Funny, witty, outspoken, SO COMFORTABLE with myself and my surroundings, with the whole world. I miss it so freaking much. I hope I can go visit them this year. I've never felt comfortable to that extent since I moved to California. I don't know why it's so different. Maybe I've changed for the worse and I am more sensitive, less social, more depressed. My depression has probably had a big affect on my social experience... but I feel like around my old friends that would fade away. How do I get there with my new friends? I really love Margaret. I get jokey and comfortable with her, she's like my Paige. And Eliana is a cross between Maddy and LaKisha...except a lesbian. Haha.
It just seems like Allie and I have been laying in a deep dug out pit for SO LONG since the rape. She's been out of work for a year, I've been in school busting my ass, we've been impoverished and have had few friends. I have plenty of friends at school but Allie doesn't have any and we have no mutual friends. I miss feeling part of a community so badly. I miss having a hang out and being around friends. <3 We're going to Soquel this weekend and that will be cool...hopefully they cook something I can eat. But all those people are not people we see all that regularly. And it's awkward and depressing for Allie and I to talk about what our lives have been like (especially Allie). I cannot WAIT until I'm graduated and I have a job. I'm going to apply for jobs right now.

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