Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom

Giving My Will

All the love and spirit
Cooped up in me
Is spilling out
Like a well water pump
That wishes to be its true self
A waterfall

The kids have wishes
And I wish I could say
I was done wishing
But there is a well inside
My dream of home

I've got pennies
Enough I could melt
And make spoons
To eat my worries
Change fills my pockets
Bringing me fonder
of the memories
Sunny dog park day

Dancing like one being
Planting and growing
Pole beans and whales

Water quivers inside the well bucket
As delicate as our
best intentions
The water drips and buries
Every dream
Every dream
Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom

And Scene

It's done
We're wrapped and I don't want to
watch that again
I don't know who I become
In the limelight

But some people fear her
She is outspoken and authentic
She goes off script on occasion
And this time she lost the production

Instead of always planning to burn
a bridge
I need to go a different direction
Leave the bridge building for shores
that are worth it

I always have choices
But when I'm acting out someone else's
And my teenage self is scraping
At my insides
Plotting with my child self
I feel disempowered and fake

Too many faces to see
Too many places to be
If I try to please too many
Something inside me takes over
And I don't know what that person
Will do
On autopilot
My addiction is doing push ups

My character and composure floats down
the river
All that is left standing next to you
Is a shell of who I'm supposed to be
with no feeling

Take the good with the bad
But remember there was a lot of bad
This movie isn't going to make it
to theaters
They fired me mid-production
  • Current Mood: sad sad
  • Current Music: "Issues" Album by KoRn
feminist, individual, guerrilla girl, activist fist, Grrrl

Career Change

I'm getting pretty excited to teach. I have loved my time at Glencoe Elementary school since I started there a little over a month ago. Tomorrow at 11am I have a phone call with Laurie Kash to discuss substitute teaching in her school district.

Monday I'm going to come into Glencoe early to enquire about substitute needs they may have.

To be a sub I need sponsorship from the school district. In the case of Rainier I know Laurie and/or Michael will write me a letter of sponsorship and employ me. I'm going to see if Portland will also so I can sub at Glencoe, too. :) I imagine substitute teaching with two districts is closer to full-time than one district. But we will see how much help Rainier needs.

Tomorrow I have the talk with People and Culture that may end my employment with Greenpeace. We will see what happens. But I think it is quite likely. I'm very very nervous. I'm also sad to let Josh and Frontline down at at time like this by probably resigning right before my scheduled Door SCC interview. I think I will feel very cathartic after the call tomorrow at 1:30pm. Maybe because it was a one time mutual thing and the motivation for this claim is clearly retaliative I will be part of a conflict resolution process that does not include my losing my job. I don't know.
  • Current Location: Sofa
  • Current Mood: nervous nervous
  • Current Music: Have a Cigar- Pink Floyd
feminist, individual, guerrilla girl, activist fist, Grrrl

Always there

I get so horny when I'm in Seattle...Seattle...Seattle! Seattle!

I have had that song stuck in my head for fucking days while visiting Seattle for the first time in my adult life. It was a very big deal for me because I was born in Kennewick. I now am truly convinced that the state I was born in is not as cool as California. There were too many white people for a city that big. What the fuck? It felt so wrong. It was like the KKK could have been looming behind any corner. At least in Portland we are known for being "weird" so we are not a bunch of wealthy white people, we are just a bunch of white people. Seattle felt rich and San Francisco-like except the best parts of SF were NOWHERE to be found. Overall it sucked. I would not live there.

So, I am such a queer. I am convinced Mulan is really about a transgender man.

I have a watch of Paige's and a jacket of Julie's. Hehehe.

Mike sent me a freaking book of poems. Better yet, Mike sent me a book recommendation and then sent me a book in the mail for my birthday and together they are Berkeley colors. This is not any ordinary book of poems. It is a book that he has had sitting on his desk for years. I remembered a poem from it called "Things Take Time". It is a book called Grooks and it has short poems written by refugees during WWII about human truths.

Laptops should be turned the other way and lightweight like a fucking book.
  • Current Mood: artistic artistic
light, create, hand

If I close my eyes I'm on the beach in Monterey Bay

no title

Wish I was here right now.

Feeling such a heavy heart and so sensitive today. A song comes on from the one I still love who doesn't love me back and I feel like crying. I make the alarm in the office go off on accident and my heart rate doesn't slow back down for like 45 minutes. I make a small communication mistake at work and I am on edge about my boss' anger. Yesterday my coworkers forgot my 4 year work anniversary after one of us got a vegan cheesecake and candles during his a couple months ago. I even sent a reminder email last month about my GP anniversary. I am PMSing. I opened up about the effects I've internalized from working in a male dominated workplace yesterday and cried to the same male boss I fear the anger of. I told my boss I was yelled at by subordinate and he hasn't done anything. I don't want to face anyone. I am broke. This is a hard day.
  • Current Location: Office
  • Current Mood: anxious anxious
  • Current Music: Hey Jude