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May. 31st, 2015

Squeeze box- The Who
Summer Breeze- Seals and Crofts
Bleed Out- Blue October
Love is Stronger Than Death- The The
Almost Home- Moby
Sunday- Sia
Soul to Squeeze- RHCP

May. 29th, 2015

Life feels so stuck. I hate it. And I hate being sick.

My life was so good a few months ago. Then I broke up with Mike and it has been difficult and empty since. I liked my social circle so much more when he, Laskey, Rachna and Josh were friends. I didn't like Rachna and Josh but I liked cooking dinner with Mike and eating with them. I love Oko. I miss Chloe and Oko hanging out. I think Chloe misses Oko, too. She is a very social dog. Goddammit. I keep going back and forth on whether the break up with Mike was the right thing to do or not...I don't think it was (right now, fuck know's that will change) because I didn't know him well enough before I just broke it all off.

I feel like puking would help me right now. I am still sick. Chloe has been driving me up a fucking wall for dayssss. I miss Mike making me happy. I keep having memories come to me. I feel so alone.

Life is a quiet train ride.

Today I got home from a short shift doing my first O-day in the office! It went very well. Daniel brought Duke his sister's dog so that made me happy. I came home and napped. It is so sad how things have crumbled away from me...relationships particularly such as Allie and Mike. I just need to continue to prioritize my relationship with myself. I'm glad I took a nap, I needed it. I'm still exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well lately...since I gave Mike the letter especially because I have no indiciation that he is going to write me back or that he wants to be with me ever again or cares to work on our relationship even if it stays a friendship. I'm leaving it alone. I can't handle the hurt he keeps putting me through by ignoring me when I say something at all meaningful.

I am the best person to validate my feelings because they are no one else's feelings but my own and I truly understand them the best. By practicing to respect and honor my needs I become not only more supportive of my self and more independent but I also am learning how to respect and honor others feelings, too. I think this work is really important for me because boundaries can be so hard for me to set and maintain. Co-dependents like me definitely need to improve with respecting boundaries. My work at PJ has definitely shown me that respect is something I don't have enough of for most people. That's a big problem in my working life in romantic relationships, daily as I commute, when I think about all the people who mindlessly use animal products, when I canvass people, when I'm working with people or talking to people in daily life who I think are childish personalities or stupid. I am a very judgy person. I need to work on it.

I'm going to make myself some steamed sweet potatoes and greens...just a light dinner. I'm so groggy and sleepy today. I hope I can get quality sleep even though I took a nap when I got home from work. Still listening to Moby. Innocents is such a good album. I am so fucking happy that he is vegan and an activist. :D <3

May. 23rd, 2015

I don't want to have friends who are consumed by regular substance use. I don't want friends who are just smoking all the time or drinking all the time. That is the lamest way to live ever. I want to associate with people who garden and farm but don't smoke all the time. People who write but don't drink all the time. People who play music but don't smoke and/or drink all the time. It's crazy how these beautiful ways of living and expressing your life are coupled with drugs. I just don't understand why. Can't the present moment and the task at hand be enough? Why do we need to be intoxicated between those times or during them? Doesn't that take so much away from it? It does for me. It takes so much away to not be conscious of what I'm doing when I'm making love with someone or listening to a band play live or writing a story or poem. What are we trying to get that a lot of people can't get without drugs?

Days like these are the best. I am at home alone with Chlo. I slept til noon, I cleaned up the yard, I'm drinking yerba mate and I ate artichokes and hummus lemon dip and some handfuls of granola. I feel good sitting with my thoughts and letting myself be without being pulled in all the directions of my senses, my urges, compulsions. I feel more conscious. I think getting off the SSRI is definitely helping open the doors of my mind.

I see all these rooms in my mind. When I am dissociated doors are closed and I am only in one room at a time, there is no air that is shared between rooms, no breeze, no movement, just one lesson plan in one room in my head where I am experiencing one thing and one thing alone. When I integrate, the doors all open and my mind is not a room anymore, it's a whole house, and a whole outside, an entire world, a complete universe without barriers between one thing and everything else. I'm able to actually move from room to room, through a house, through a neighborhood, through a town, through a country, through a world, and feel the whole universe hold me as part of it.

Because I have experienced dissociation from a young age to deal with the abuse of my siblings by my father, the abuse of my mother by him too, the sexual abuse I experienced at daycare, the great neglect I experienced all throughout my childhood until age 8, the moving around and always being in a new place where I don't how things work, always having to learn and dissociate, I am not cool with substances that take away from consciousness. Only through being able to control my consciousness and stay conscious enough to learn about my surroundings was I able to survive my whole life. My whole fucking life has been this way. So when people are just not even considerate as to why they would just change their consciousness (smoking weed, drinking alcohol, drinking caffeine, doing other drugs) I am taken aback and don't understand the benefits as outweighing the costs. You're forfeiting this present moment and your ability to actually learn, remember, retain from the moments which are all we have that make up this life. People don't even do it to cope with some horrible trauma the way I coped by dissociating from my childhood neglect, abuse and witnessing of abuse. I want greater consciousness, not a lack of consciousness.

I have a hard time respecting people who choose to socialize, play music with, write with, create with, grow food with, work with a lack of consciousness. Some types of weed help me focus on details or help me think analytically, however a lot of it puts me in a haze where I am less conscious of some things in exchange for being more conscious of other things. For instance, when I smoke weed after work and am hungry as I get home but don't really take enough notice to how hungry I am until I'm high, the question should not be "What should I eat now that I'm ready to eat?", it should be "Why don't I prioritize eating until I'm high?" Eating is necessary to live. I definitely understand because of my experiences and adaptations throughout life to survive that changing your consciousness can be very necessary. However I feel if one abuses their ability to change their consciousness, or moreover, relies on a substance to do it for them, they can really hinder their ability to change their consciousness at important times or on their own without any substance. It's like how Zack doesn't fuck around with condoms because Steve is HIV+, I don't fuck around with consciousness because I have both codependent and dissociative identity patterns of coping.

If mental differences, well-being and mental illness were actually represented in the world as just as relevant as physical differences, wellness and illness the world would be such a different place. People understand if you shouldn't eat high cholesterol foods if you have blood pressure problems, because that is just a particular physical health condition. However people do not ever, not ever in social or day to day circumstances know the language through which to talk about or have the social acceptance enough to talk about mental health conditions. If mental health doctors were a normal thing that most Americans saw regularly I think that conversations around health and people's ability to socially be healthy would change drastically. I would be able to say, "Oh no thanks" to a drink, because "I have dissociative patterns of coping." People support each other in heart health, you know, the thing that kills white people the most, but people don't support each other in preventing cancer (healthy veganism for instance is hated on) (#2 killer of people, barely not #1 in women). People definitely do not have any kind of social support around depression which disproportionately affects women, especially women of color.

9.4% of girls who die between at the beginning of their lives (ages 1-4) die from homicide. 9.4% of women between the ages 25-34 die of suicide.

Cancer is the #1 killer of Asian American and Pacific Islander women. 8% of Asian American Pacific Islander women ages 20-24 die of homicide. 19.5% of Asian American and Pacific Islander women who die ages 20-24, kill themselves. 19% of deaths ages 25-34 are suicides.

45% of all deaths of black males ages 15-35 are homicides.

20% of white males who die ages 15-35 kill themselves.

In my consciousness class (Consciousness: Neuroscientific and Buddhist Perspectives) I continued thinking about death differently than before Krishna entered my life or before that class. In Buddhism the purpose of life is preparing for the moment before you die. I want to be conscious in that last moment. It is taught in Buddhism that your last moment it will be very difficult to not feel the feeling or experience the state that was most prevailant throughout your life. That last moment before you die will determine the conditions of your next life.

May. 16th, 2015

"I care about your care. Not enough people caring about each other's care is how we got into these problems to begin with. That's why I can't have you walk away unempowered; I need your care to be heard."

http://www.ted.com/talks/jok_church_a_circle_of_caring

Unhealthy Desires

Life is painful.

I saw Mike yesterday. Told him I'm in love with him. Gave him the letter. Then last night I dream I had big swollen lips, majorly swollen and uncomfortable. It signifies unpleasant interaction, disagreeableness and hasty decision making in a romantic relationship. It also signifies unhealthful desires.


Send a question on the wind
Give the answer to a friend

Place your past into a book
Give 'em everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages, let 'em cook

Weed and Word of the Day!

Weed Doctor to give Prescription:
510 839 0723

Anu and I are going to get our medical marijuana cards for fun because we live in California and want to be able to explore dispensaries. (:
We are going to see the Decemberists May 1st, next weekend. I'm so excited!

This Earth Day was awesome. I got to teach my curriculum for environmental science at Oakland Technical High School and put on an Earth Day event the next day at the same school. It was so great! A ladybug found us, kids made environmental comittments, seedballs and we made sooooooo many kale smoothies! :D

Full Definition of FAUX PAS

: blunder; especially : a social blunder

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