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Freedom, bike, balanced karma, biking, bicycle
Everything I want I have when I hold her tight

Alyse, Remember to be on your own a lot

feminist, individual, guerrilla girl, activist fist, Grrrl

To see a parakeet in your dream indicates that you lack initiative and new idea. You need to be more unconventional and spontaneous. The dream also relates to dependency and immaturity.


To see a birdcage in your dream represents a loss of freedom. You are feeling locked up and unable to fully express yourself.


To see birds in your dream symbolize your goals, aspirations and hopes. To dream of chirping and/or flying birds, represent joy, harmony, ecstasy, balance, and love. It denotes a sunny outlook in life. You are experiencing spiritual freedom and psychological liberation. It is almost as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

To dream of dead or dying birds indicates disappointments. You will find yourself worrying over problems that are nagging on your mind.

To dream of birds on the attack means that you are being pulled into too many directions. You are experiencing conflict with your spirituality. If the birds are trying to break into houses, then it implies that you are not following your desired path in life. Others are meddling in your life and interfering with your life path.

To see bird eggs in your dream symbolize money.

To see birds hatching in your dream symbolize delayed success.

To see a bird nest in your dream symbolizes independence, refuge and security. You need something to fall back on. Alternatively, it may signify a prosperous endeavor, new opportunities, and fortune.

In the dream a male who was pressuring me into sex and walking home with me after bringing his laundry to my place or where I was (I felt indebted to him even though I did him a favor or had to follow through with a favor) walked with me to my house from a train station or downtown Berkeley. We found found parakeets on my front door step in a really nice expensive container/cage and the neighbor (who was white in my dream) said we could take one because they didn't know why they were sent two and the neighbors weren't ready to raise two.
Then the guy with my turned into Glades and we let the birds out and pet them and very carefully consciously let them outside. We didn't want to keep them confined inside, we let them be free.

Also dreamt Allie and I had sex in downtown Berkeley next to the musicians as if it was a performance.

I don't want to feel obligated to do anything I don't want to do in relationships. In relationships I am really accustomed to co-dependency and losing my identity. Being on my own is really important to me right now.
I've just got to talk to Glades about all my feelings so she understands where I'm at and we can move as slowly as possible.

Just because the birds were in a cage (my dreams have been delayed and I have been held back my Allie) doesn't mean I need to let anyone else hold me back ever again. Yet in the dream Glades and I let the birds go into the wild/city, where they could either die or go live peacefully in trees. Either way, it is a huge risk I am not willing to take to be tied to Glades. I don't want to feel confined or as if I owe her anything. I should tell her that I need a huge amount of independence in my life right now.

I have mixed feelings about everything that involves me being with someone or being more comitted to someone in anyway (i.e. taking Glades to Christmas with me). I need to start listening to the other parts of my heart and head and not automatically go with the option that OTHER PEOPLE will favor and that I can favor partially. I should start listening to what makes ONLY ME happy. I just have so much fucking empathy and it is seriously my freakin downfall at times.

Dec. 6th, 2014

fascination street!, the world is astonishing
I'm attempting to not run away from loneliness. Looking back at my history I think that I have had a lot of relationships solely because I didn't want to be alone.

My friends have enriched my life so much. I cannot imagine what I would live like if I didn't have Paige, Maddy, Levi at other times in my life, Abby and now Matt. I think Bob and I could be good friends. Jesus Christ, my sex and love life is weird right now.


Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom
I cannot control what others do

I am not here to decide other people's decicions

Everything will fall into place in time

Time changes everything

Every wave is favorable

Nov. 25th, 2014

White Stripes
Life is way too complicated lately. I think I need to spend time this weekend at the temple. I don't even care about Thanksgiving. I am so stressed and upset, nothing matters but getting relief and feeling worthy of my life.

I don't trust anyone.

I befriend shitty people so they won't steal anything from me. I put out for people so I won't feel forced to do anything. I reach out to others who aren't good for me to fill the empty void. Nowhere feels like home. I feel so lost and confused. So many of my actions lately are destructive and costly. Bad karma is following me yet I don't seem to stop doing bad things. It's clear to me things are pointing all towards my need to be independent but Allie keeps fucking budding her head into my daily life and offering to help as bad things keep going on. I am not taking care of myself in a weird way. Not watching my bag, just not caring today and believing it wouldn't get stolen was me being way too head strong and careless. When I lost my wallet before I left for Portland that was me being consumed by stress and acting in each moment from a helpless place. When you embrace being helpless the world starts treating you worse, like you really are helpless. If you won't help yourself, no one else is going to help you. I have been so out of it. It is time for me to get present again.

I'm grateful my notebook wasn't in my bag that got stolen today. My new wallet and toothbrush, toothpaste and rose water i bought today were in there. I am also grateful I didn't ride my bike to work so I didn't have to leave my bike locked up (with no key) and get that stolen too! Thank goodness my bike is safe and Chloe is here with me. I have to figure out the logistics of getting to Carmel on Thursday for Thanksgiving now...without a debit card or ID. Ugh. I'm glad my new purse wasn't stolen.

Nov. 16th, 2014

I feel like crying but it's not coming.

There are so many WONDERFUL things the world is filled with that I've been missing out on while isolated in this unhappy relationship.

I don't seem to belong anywhere. I wish I was in Portland already.

How to Never Die a Happy Death

Street, Heartbeat, Lennon
You embrace malaise as if it is your destiny
You pathetic actor in a sad, unbearable story
Do the same thing, using people, never changing
Don't accept or question yourself
Never surrender to change and the presence of the divine

You are not here for you
You are here for something much greater than your thoughts
Much greater than your stupid mundane idea of happiness
Stop trying to be and control and determine everything
Your will is flawed beyond measure
Letting go is the best attitude to have when letting go

When one holds on so tight they are taking
The taking that happens as the finale to each lifetime
Is not our own, it is imposed by the universe
We are not here to take
We are here simply to give and receive

Nov. 2nd, 2014

Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom
When We're Dancing- Twin Shadows


Forest, beautiful purple sky, oxygen, biologically productive, widsom

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